Photo by Paul Skorupskas on Unsplash.com
I remember the first time it happened: I was a young kid, maybe 7 or 8 years old. It terrified me. I wanted it to go away. It happened several times between then and adulthood, each time unwelcome. I did not understand what was happening. If I had, I would have embraced it much sooner.
In 2012, my family was on a trip from Minnesota to Colorado Springs. It was a great family vacation – a rare blessing as the kids were now heading to college. At one point, we were in a horrible thunderstorm on the freeway. The rain was coming down in buckets, and the windshield wipers were on high with absolutely no effect. We were crawling. Drivers lined their cars on the side of the road, too fearful to move. Then, in a matter of only a mile or so, we came through the storm to bright sunlight and dry pavement. In an instant, it was clear.
On that same trip, we hit morning fog one day on a Colorado mountain road. As they say, it was like “pea soup.” It felt a little precarious knowing that the guardrail was all that separated us from a colossal drop. I was “white knuckling it” for about six miles when, coming around the bend, the cloud suddenly ended, and we were treated to the most magnificent view of the mountains and the lushest Aspen-filled valley anyone could imagine. Again, in an instant, it was not only clear but breathtaking.
I am at a loss for words to describe what I am learning from Jesus these days. After years of clinical anxiety, health trauma, monstrous stress, household upheaval, brain fog, and what I now know was sleep deprivation, I have lucidity. God offered it many times before, but I resisted it – I feared it. I feel like I’m taking a risk even describing it. I’m wondering if this has happened to anyone else.
That day, as a child, I was just playing—a normal kid—when suddenly, everything became frighteningly clear. My awareness was heightened. My vision was sharper. My hearing opened up. For the first time in my young life, I knew I was human in a way I had never experienced before. I watched my hands and fingers moving like I was discovering them for the first time. Whatever was my “normal” state of living – clouded, shrouded, automatic pilot – it was gone in that moment. It terrified me. I prayed to God that it would go away. It eventually did.
Since this past January, I have been on a new personal adventure with Jesus. I had yet another breakout of massive anxiety, coupled with several traumatic hits and some subsequent (and serious) health concerns. For about a week, I actually thought it may have been my end. But I now see things were orchestrated – not by Satan for my demise, but by Jesus for my breakthrough. I have led nearly 100 people over the years through Ken Boa’s Conformed to His Image,[1] but rediscovered his Morning Affirmations (pp. 378-381) and made them my own. Powerful. I also began working with my mentor and a cohort of fellow disciples through a new personal discipleship process called Alignment, which brought incredible clarity to the experiences of my life (since childhood), both positive and painful. And then the Lord dropped John Eldredge’s book, Resilient: Restoring Your Weary Soul in These Turbulent Times,[2] in my lap (that is another God story!). This book has been transformative as it has directly linked the Morning Affirmations and the experience of Alignment in the context of the emotional chaos resulting from the pandemic. This has truly been a Holy Spirit trifecta.
In early April, it happened again. Colossal, scary clarity. But this time, I noticed something: when the clarity came, all my stress and anxiety vanished! I mean, it was gone! I sat there for several minutes, praying through the experience. I had just finished my Morning Affirmations, asking to be filled with the Holy Spirit and committing myself to Jesus’ agenda for that day. Was this God? I asked. He answered. It was the closest thing I’ve experienced to an audible voice since the night of my salvation in September 1986. “Lord, what is happening?” “You are waking up.” Silence – on both sides of the prayer conversation.
In the last four weeks, the Lord has given me that experience several times each day – sometimes lasting hours. I am learning to embrace it (I wish I knew that as a kid!). And I’m learning to seek it when it is not evident. In an overwhelming moment a few weeks ago, the Spirit said to me, “Remember who you really are.” In another stressful situation, I reflex-prayed, “Lord, help me.” And he responded with, “Awake, O sleeper, rise up from the dead, and Christ will give you light.” (Ephesians 5:14)
It’s so hard to describe, but it’s like coming out from under a raging thunderhead or pulling free of a mountain fog. My normal state of mind and heart subsides to being fully alive, stress-free, and mentally clear in spite of circumstances. Anxiety melts like someone flipped a switch. The words, “Remember who you really are,” ring in my memory like a continuous echo. I appear to have awakened. And I have a feeling this scares hell and elates heaven.
Have you ever walked out of a noisy factory, stadium, or some other deafening environment and, as the door closes behind you, you hear the beautiful quiet? You notice even the wind rustling the leaves overhead. You hear the call of a single songbird in the far distance. That’s what this is like. The mental fog, the distractions, the fears, the stress – it all dissolves into complete Spirit-enabled focus.
Have you had this experience? Can you imagine what would happen to our communities, country, or world if everyone in Jesus’ Church experiences this? Could the Father be preparing us for something big? I, for one, am praying into that daily.
[1] Boa, Kenneth. Conformed to His Image: Biblical, Practical Approaches to Spiritual Formation (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Academic, 2020), pp. 378-381.
[2] Eldredge, John. Resilient: Restoring Your Weary Soul in These Turbulent Times (Nashville, TN: Nelson Books, 2022).
Dr. John Kimball is the Lead Pastor of Palmwood Church of Oviedo, Florida. The church has a beautiful partnership with the YMCA of Central Florida, and ministers within the Oviedo YMCA where john serves as Chaplain. John is also the Director of Church Development for Nehemiah Nexus/CCCC (www.ccccusa.com), and is a trainer, coach, and consultant with the Praxis Center for Church Development (www.praxiscenter.org). John and his wife Kathryn have ministered together for over 30 years and love living in Central Florida.